The Day My Life Changed Forever

by | Health, Life, Productivity

I perched on a hard chair in the bright, modern office.

Even today, I recall this encounter with a shudder.

For months I had been hanging to see an “expert”, and suddenly, another one was available at short notice!

Her tone was pleasantly professional, but lacking warmth (rule #1, must have empathy, if not, you must fake it well).

“It just looks like mechanical back pain”, came the expert announcement, whilst blinking at her computer screen.

‘Mechanical back pain’ did not suffice for the months of nightly hell I had endured.

I had to insist on a full MRI.

She of expensive university education, perfectly pressed corporate attire & a face younger than mine, did not agree that AS had appeared 25 years too early. Her regular interruptions & defensive demeanour flattened my questions into meaningless drivel.

The large desk loomed between us.

I thought I spied a suppressed eye roll.

I suddenly realised why there wasn’t a 3 month waiting list to see her. Thank God for Medicare reimbursements.

Finally, a referral for an MRI was written. Then, a script for drugs. A trial.

Pain killing drugs had been my best friend for a while now. I was very wary. I pleaded No.

A warmth filled up my eyes – but I’l be damed if I were to let her see her see that. My voice was shaky.

She was adamant & waved away my concerns, like you would a pesky mosquito.

She of Perfect Health ushered me out of her office & into the waiting room, where, yet another patient (35 years my senior) waited for answers.

My body was on fire & my breathing was shallow. My legs were heavy as they carried me out. The tension in my body was palpable. I immediately cancelled my next appointment with her, the sympathetic desk lady nodding away.

4 weeks after that day, after a 1 hour MRI, a trial of specialised anti inflammatory drugs, countless blood tests, urine tests, x-rays, CT scans, ultrasounds, pilates, massage, physiotherapy, oxycodone, sleepless nights, & you name it – and 18 months after the pain stopped my life – I was finally diagnosed.

But this time, his eyes always met mine. My sentences were finished. Thoughtful pauses & careful words.

Turns out, I was right.

But what is a diagnosis anyway, but a neat way to understand all the physical symptoms of the body – in one perfectly wrapped box.

And even though Ankylosing Spondylitis has visited me 30 years too early?

No one can diagnose your soul but you.

It’s never to late to truly begin healing.


The Dark Night of the Soul

I am awoken in the black of night. There are no ghosts here, just me & the pain.

Alone in the pain.

I am listening to silence – but then?

A few escapee thoughts make their way into my head

Read More

I’ve screwed over my best friend

Dear Intuition,

I’m so sorry for ignoring you.

I am sorry for being a shit friend.

I grew up in a world that told me that you either didn’t exist, or that listening to you was dangerous.

Read More

The One Skill We Are All Missing

It’s 8am, & a stealthy shadow appears near me as I enter the kitchen.

I am hard pressed getting the sleep from my eyes and straightening out my stiff and sore muscles when a horrible sound pierces my ears.

It’s a desperate, inhumane sound

Read More


  1. Ant

    The only one fit to diagnose the soul is the one who created the soul. The same who created the soul can heal the soul.

    • angeyan

      True true.


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